Boundaries
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries include everything from speaking up when you think you’re being disrespected to advocating for yourself to have time for your own interests.
Be self-aware.
Be clear about your needs.
Be specific and direct.
Be clear about your love, while being clear about your boundaries.
Use “I” statements.
In romantic relationships, we often think of boundaries as a bad thing or simply unnecessary. Isn’t our partner supposed to anticipate our wants and needs? Isn’t that part of being in love? Aren’t boundaries callous? Don’t they interfere with the romance and spontaneity of a relationship?
All healthy relationships have boundaries. A boundary is “the line where I end and someone else begins.”
“Without any line the distinction becomes confusing: Who owns and maintains this ambiguous space? Which rules apply?”
When the boundary is clearly defined and respected, you don’t need walls or electric fences, he said. “People can even cross the boundary occasionally when there’s a mutual understanding.” However, when the boundary is violated in order to do harm or take advantage, then you’ll likely need walls, gates, and guards.
In healthy relationships, partners ask permission, take one another’s feelings into account, show gratitude, and respect differences in opinion, perspective, and feelings.
In less healthy relationships, partners assume their partner feels the same way they do (e.g., “I like this, so you must, too”). They ignore the effects of violating their partner’s boundary (e.g., “They’ll get over it”).
Boundaries in romantic relationships are especially critical because as opposed to other relationships, partners inhabit each other’s most intimate spaces, including physical, emotional, and sexual interactions.
This is why communicating your boundaries clearly is key. But what does — and doesn’t — this look like?
Boundaries that Don’t Work
“Boundaries that often fail are those that include the words ‘always,’ ‘never’ or any absolute language,” Such boundaries are usually unrealistic and don’t last, she said. She shared these examples: “You can never” or “You must always.”
Other poor boundaries alienate you from your partner, have a double standard or try to manipulate an outcome: “If you aren’t home by 7 p.m. every night, I will not have sex with you,” “If you don’t do X, I will hurt myself” or “You are not allowed to do X, but I can do it when I please.”
Vague boundaries also don’t work. These include, “Don’t spend a lot of money this month” or “Pick up the kids from school a few times a week.”
Many partners don’t even talk about their boundaries. They expect their partner to just know them. This is unfair, For instance, you want your partner to recognize your accomplishments. Instead of expressing this need, you hint at it, play a game of “I’ll lavishly affirm you if you’ll return the favor” or mope around when it doesn’t happen, he said.
Not only is this ineffective, but it creates confusion and can hurt your relationship.
Boundaries That Do Work
Be self-aware.
Be clear about your needs.
Be specific and direct.
Be clear about your love, while being clear about your boundaries.
Use “I” statements.
Try the sandwich approach. This consists of a compliment, criticism, and compliment. Starting with a compliment prevents your partner from getting defensive, This primes them for a little criticism, they feel connected and comfortable enough to take it, and then it closes with a compliment.
Ultimately, healthy relationships require clear-cut parameters. For instance, most couples agree that cheating is a boundary violation, when couples are clear about the boundaries of their own relationship, and what the rules, goals, and expectations are, the relationship can be stable.
